Improv breakups
The pain is real
I’ve spoken to a couple of improvisers lately who have been going through improv break ups.
There are loads of reasons why improv groups break down or members leave. Maybe everyone has moved on, life has gotten busy and improv is no longer a priority, maybe certain members of the group are fed up of feeling like they’re carrying the heavy load or sometimes someone is pushed out of a group.
Improv break ups hurt. We put so much of ourselves into our improv. Being in an improv group is something that many of us aim for, the feeling of belonging, the opportunity to perform, the joy of improvising with people you know and understand. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Jealousy. Loneliness. All normal responses.
I’ve had 2 improv breakups so far in my 20 years of improv
The first I was asked to leave a group I'd been in for 6 years and wow that hurt. I’ve always been a rule follower, a goody two shoes and a geek that doesn’t like conflict. I was a dedicated and committed member of the group and being asked to leave came like a bolt from the blue.
I’d been doing some other gigs with some improv friends and that was the reason I was asked to leave. It really stung.
The second break up was my choice. I was going through a real life break up and I wasn’t in the right head space to be improvising especially when we were performing regularly and I had a leading role.
This breakup didn’t go well. I did what was right for me but some of the group weren’t very understanding and I lost people that I thought were friends.
To the outside world the breakdown of an improv group doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is. It can be frustrating, upsetting, confidence destroying, heart breaking and lonely.
Sometimes the breakdown is a long time coming. The whole group just grinds to a halt because people are busy and no one really has time anymore.
Sometimes the breakdown is quick and explosive. Running an improv group is hard. The mixture of different personalities and different priorities can become a melting pot for internal politics, arguments and unfortunately nastiness.
And whilst the vast majority of improvisers are wonderful, lovely people there are still some dickheads out there and we can all be unkind in the heat of the moment.
However the break up has happened it has an impact and can leave a mark for years to come.
So here’s a few quick tips of things you can do if you’re going through an improv break up:
Let yourself grieve
Give yourself permission to feel sad about what you’ve lost. It is not silly or stupid to feel big emotions about an improv breakdown.
Your feelings are valid.
Get back on the horse or stay out of the stables
Sometimes it’ll feel right to jump straight back in, do some improv workshops, sign up for a course or even create a brand new improv group.
Sometimes it’ll feel right to walk away, take a break from improv, focus your attention elsewhere and give yourself the time you need.
Neither one is right or wrong and different breakups will need a different response.
Talk to a trusted friend
Share your feelings with someone you trust, someone who won’t dismiss your feelings or tell anyone else what you say.
In my second improv breakup I shared some things (nothing bad!) with someone who then told members of the group, lots of drama ensued…
Find another creative outlet
Pour some of your creative energy into another artistic pursuit. Sometimes we get so caught up in our improv that we neglect other areas of our life.
Writing. Knitting. Drawing. Gardening. Cooking. Singing.
Find something that gives you joy and spend some time and energy on it.
Eat the carbs
And finally, all breakups call for carbs! Get out a big tub of Ben and Jerry’s (other brands are available) and console yourself because it will get better. You will improvise again.
If you’re going through an improv breakup I’m sending you love and the promise that it will get better.
You are an amazing improviser and you’re doing great.
Katy x
P.S. Uncomfortable mention of upcoming courses…
Hi Katy - Thank you for this. I don't think this is talked about enough.
As a fellow double-decader, this is all very true - I massively agree with 'find another creative outlet' - preferably before this type of thing happens, because I've seen it so often that people fall down the rabbit hole of joy and then throw themselves into ALL OF IT. And ALL OF IT can be TOO MUCH OF IT.
Having a few different outlets feeds nicely back into your performance, and having all your eggs in one basket is risky. I eye-rolled at your group's excuse - that you were doing shows with other people. Even if that meant you weren't able to commit as much time to them, if groups start clipping people's improv wings (unless perhaps they're paying wages), they'll fly away, anyway.
Secondly, and more controversially I suppose, people SOMETIMES need to acknowldege that if they've been asked to leave groups a few times, THEY might want to consider taking time to look objectively at THEIR improv, THEIR behaviour, or ask the uncomfortable question: why?
I've known a few groups over the years who've needed to ask people to leave but it's HORRIBLE for everyone. The group may have thought they'd made their expectations clear, but the leaver may not have heard or understood them. (And being told 'you need to brush up your X skills, is a lot easier to stomach than: 'you never take direction', or 'you undermine other performers', because the latter two can be taken as personal criticism).
My advice for groups is to always try to have clear ground rules and expectations from the off, because then you can highlight them if things go awry. But even with groups established over a decade or more, there are still occasions where it goes wrong - because people are complicated and unique and unexpected and every other adjective.
So, thanks again for this. It's thorny and I've written too much (sorry).
What a beautiful post, Katy! Thank you!! :)