When improv dreams change
Making space for new dreams or maybe even none at all
10 years ago I was dreaming of creating a mini improv theatre, I spent ages looking at commercial properties. I was weighing up how much money I was spending on room hire for my classes and shows and working out how much money I’d need to earn to make it work.
I dreamt of travelling around the world performing (we were already travelling the UK and Ireland) and visiting as many improv festivals as I could. I wanted to go to America and learn with all the improv schools out there like lot’s of my fellow improvisers were doing.
But slowly these dreams changed. I think a big part of that was having kids, it’s absolutely possible to do all these things with little people (Heather and Jules from AndAlso are a great example of this!) but for me and my family these things don’t feel that easy.
I barely teach in real life anymore, 99% of my improv happens online. And with that change went the desire to have my own space to teach. The idea of having that space has completely faded off my improv dream list.
The desire to travel is still there a little, simmering away in the background. The performing bug has been replaced by the teaching one. Sometimes I will lose myself in day dreams thinking which countries I would like to travel to, the idea of flying far away and people wanting to attend my classes floats in my mind. But the idea of leaving my boys for any amount of time is currently an impossibility so these day dreams don’t take up much of my time.
It feels odd when things that you were once so passionate about, that were up there on your to do list and your dream list just don’t matter any more.
For me there’s a sense of loss and even guilt that I didn’t achieve them and that I don’t want them anymore. It feels like I’ve let myself down a little and that I should be wanting more, dreaming bigger, aiming higher. The hustle culture that we’re sold is a constant reminder that we always need to be striving to be the greatest and working towards the next big thing.
But right now, I don’t want to be the best, I don’t want to be great. I don’t want an improv theatre or to be constantly travelling. I don’t want to be pushing or working hard. I don’t want the pressure to have to succeed.
I just want to be where I am right now. Teaching improv to people who bring me joy, being able to log off and one minute later crash out on my settee, I want to be kind to myself and everyone I teach. I want to love improv but not have it be my entire life.
So my dreams have changed (a lot) and I think I’m ok with that. Maybe one day they’ll return and they’ll burn bright but for now I’ll just keep on keeping on.
So if your improv dreams have changed, be kind to yourself because it’s ok to change your mind and to have a different dream.
Katy x
Oh the guilt, the guilt of “letting down” past you! I have been trying to remind myself that past me doesn’t exist anymore. There’s no one to disappoint, just a chance to delight current me. But I have a whole spreadsheet of dreams I’ve put down.
I did eventually learn two things:
1) That I can get my current dreams done better/faster/stronger if I’m doing a few things well instead of everything a little (a friend once said “you don’t have a back burner, you have 99 front burners” and I’m trying to turn off some front burners).
And 2) I now use the terms “put it in the stock pot” (shout-out to Kimberly of Be Weird Make Money) or “put it in the parking lot” to describe setting a dream aside for a bit. I find that I need a way to think of the putting-down as temporary, to mitigate the fear.
Later, often, when I come back to something, I don’t mind putting it down permanently as much as I did when I parked or potted it. And sometimes a dream in the pot simmers away until suddenly the next step makes more sense and feels easier.
What a complicated, lovely, bittersweet read.
I have yet to achieve my “dreams,” but I’m the only one complaining about that. I wish my brain could advocate for satisfaction in the place that I am.